Sorry For What?

When Sir Elton John croons, "Sorry seems to be the hardest word," I agree that, for some, it is.


(Photo by Stuart Miles.
www.Freedigitalphotos.com)

But have you ever noticed how much more girls/women use the word "sorry" even when they are being wronged?  It flows almost unnoticed.  "I'm sorry, there's a problem with my meal" instead of, "Excuse me, there's a problem with my meal."

It's a preface mindlessly used.  But somewhere along the way a decision to kick start our sentences with this overused intro is made, even when it makes no sense.  

"I'm sorry, did you call me?" 
"I'm sorry, what time should we meet?"
"I'm sorry, you gave me the wrong color."

I am pro-politeness but this isn't about being polite. This goes deeper. Why do we atone when we are simply making a statement? "Excuse me" is polite; "Pardon me" is polite.  "I'm sorry" lives in another neighborhood. Inserting "Excuse me" or "Pardon me" in place of "I'm sorry" gets the job done.

A recent NYTimes Op-Ed writer searches for why women apologize too much.  Sloane Crosley writes, "For so many women, myself included, apologies are inexorably linked with our conception of politeness. Somehow, as we grew into adults, “sorry” became an entry point to basic affirmative sentences." http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/23/opinion/when-an-apology-is-anything-but.html

Men are also users of this apologetic intro, Ms. Crosley adds with humor, "but they are mostly British." 

Ms. Crosley goes further in her reasoning for the overuse of "I'm sorry" by stating it is a passive way of nudging the other person to apologize.  She writes that the phrase is "employed when a situation is so clearly not our fault that we think the apology will serve as a prompt for the person who should be apologizing."

I wrote the word "sorry" on an index card and kept it with me one day.  It was to remind me to avoid using the apology when not apologizing.  Here's what I found: this little phrase gets a lot of air time.

While on the phone jotting down information from a health professional my pen ran out of ink, and I instinctively said, "I'm sorry, I need to get another pen."  I could have just as easily said, "Could you please hold on for a sec while I get another pen?  Thanks!"

When I was unknowingly blocking someone in the aisle at the supermarket, the woman said to me, "I'm sorry, could I get by?" to which I replied, "Sure, I'm sorry!"  A double dip of sorry!  Here is how it would play out in a more aware state:  Woman: " Pardon me, could I get by?" Me: "Sure!" 

It's not that "sorry" is offensive but it is being overused when no atonement is needed.  Using it in this way reduces the speaker a little bit each time.  What good is that? 

As a solution, Ms. Crosley suggests going cold turkey: "So we should stop. It’s not what we’re saying that’s the problem, it’s what we’re not saying. The sorrys are taking up airtime that should be used for making logical, declarative statements, expressing opinions and relaying accurate impressions of what we want."

Be kind.  Be aware.  Be thoughtful. 

As for the useless sorry - let it be.

Here is the link to Sloane Crosley's interview on CBS This Morning re: the Op-Ed piece.  It includes the very smart Amy Schumer's bit on women apologizing. http://www.cbsnews.com/videos/dont-be-sorry-why-women-are-quick-to-apologize/