Anne and Liz: My Mother's Day Guides

Writing about Mother's Day jams up my brain. There are a precious few things I know about being a mother and here they are:

I know I always wanted to have this experience.
I know I was unqualified.
I know the last fact didn't matter.

I am grateful that my 92 year old mom still inhabits our lives and this Earth.  Thank you Mom! 

Writers Anne Lamott and Liz Gilbert both write about mothers and Mother's Day in a way that resonates with me so I happily reprint their well thought out opinions and embrace them as I embraced my children when we lived together and now, as they find their way in the world.   

Oh - and Liz, in her decision to not parent, offers this perfect description of parental commitment. "Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face.  You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit."    

Yep- that covers it.  

From Anne Lamott:

"...Mother’s Day celebrates a huge lie about the value of women: that mothers are superior beings, that they have done more with their lives and chosen a more difficult path. Ha! Every woman’s path is difficult, and many mothers were as equipped to raise children as wire monkey mothers. I say that without judgment: It is, sadly, true. An unhealthy mother’s love is withering.

The illusion is that mothers are automatically happier, more fulfilled and complete. But the craziest, grimmest people this Sunday will be the mothers themselves, stuck herding their own mothers and weeping children and husbands’ mothers into seats at restaurants. These mothers do not want a box of chocolate. These mothers are on a diet.

I hate the way the holiday makes all non-mothers, and the daughters of dead mothers, and the mothers of dead or severely damaged children, feel the deepest kind of grief and failure. The non-mothers must sit in their churches, temples, mosques, recovery rooms and pretend to feel good about the day while they are excluded from a holiday that benefits no one but Hallmark and See’s. 

There is no refuge — not at the horse races, movies, malls, museums. Even the turn-off-your-cellphone announcer is going to open by saying, “Happy Mother’s Day!” You could always hide in a nice seedy bar, I suppose. Or an ER."

From Liz Gilbert:  

"What we, as a culture, expect from our mothers is merely that they not be human. Mothers are meant to be some combination of Mother Mary, Mother Theresa, Superwoman, and Gaia. It’s a merciless standard of perfection. Merciless!

God help your mother, if she ever fell short. God help your mother, if she was exhausted & overwhelmed. God help her if she didn’t understand her kids. God help her if she no gift for raising children. God help her if she had desires and longings. God help her if she was ever terrified, suicidal, hopeless, bored, confused, furious.

God help her if life had disappointed her. God help her if she had an addiction, or a mental illness. God help her if she ever broke down. God help her, if couldn’t control her rage. God help her, because if she fucked up in any way, she will be forever branded: BAD MOTHER. And we will never forgive her for this.

So this is my question: Can we take a break today from judging the mothers, and show them mercy, instead?

This doesn’t mean that what happened to you at the hands of your mother was OK. This doesn’t mean that your pain is not real...it just means that maybe her pain was real, too.

And if you are yourself a mother, and you never stop judging yourself for how you are failing...can you let it go for one day? Just for one day, can you drop the knife that you are holding to your own throat? Mercy. Just for one day. Let us find mercy.

Mercy on you.
Mercy on everyone.
Mercy on the mothers."