Say What You Mean

I am usually not at a loss for words.  This, of course, can be a blessing or a curse. That choice is left up to you, dear reader.
 
I very often struggle for just the right words in many circumstances.  Joy-sorrow-disappointment-anxiety-even elation can trip me up in my hurry to connect with someone. Writing, hearing or reading an especially well crafted phrase is one of life's simple pleasures. When I finish reading a book or an article, the content may or may not resonate but the style and word choice are the first yardsticks I use to measure its value.

I remember the scrambled phraseology of toddlers and it was a word phase I relished when my girls were that young.  My eldest daughter's blending of the words 'escalator' and 'elevator' to come up with the hybrid 'escalvator' each time we saw one at the mall cleverly created a composite that worked either way.  The choice of 'bay-bin soop' by my youngest daughter for her 'bathing suit' was a version I did my darnedest to keep in use even as she became wise to the correct pronunciation. I still slip it in once in a great while simply for my own pleasure. Toddlers alter everyday words and unknowingly make us think twice about what is being said.  They also give new meaning to common language. 

Why do we often miss the chance to do this as adults? Comedian Norm Crosby's malapropisms (I am really dating myself here) not only act as a clever ploy to get us to laugh but equally get us to think about what we mean!

The times that are most challenging for expressing myself effectively are times of sorrow.  I am strong in the empathetic feeling but challenged in the verbal execution.  Often the desire to say something gets in the way of whether or not any words fit the bill. 
 
Bruce Feiler's recent article in the NY Times titled "You Look Great and Other Lies" takes a firsthand look at the chestnuts worn out by those of us talking to someone who is dealing with a serious illness.  Mr. Feiler's three year experience with bone cancer and its treatment gives him a front row seat to some tired phrases (as well as many fine thoughts).  It sure makes me listen.  He mentions phrases such as My thoughts and prayers are with you and What can I do to help? as a few of the ones we can kick to the curb when it comes to saying what is best. I plead guilty on both counts.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/12/fashion/what-to-say-to-someone-whos-sick-this-life.html?_r=1&src=me&ref=style

Is it that greeting cards have infiltrated our thoughts so deeply thus making the go-to phrases so tired? Do we slip into mental automatic pilot and say the very first thing that comes to mind?  Are we thinking less and becoming less authentic?  And who are we really trying to soothe with these phrases?  I think the intention is to be kind but often our discomfort in dealing with discomfort results in a quickie salve to ease our natural unease. 

We often trip up in expressing joy as well.  So happy for you.  This little ditty gets plenty of air time for me.  Nothing is wrong with it but am I really responding in a specific way? No one gets hurt in the process except perhaps the chance to connect in a more unambiguous manner.  What am I really happy about? Why not be more explicit?

In her final show, Oprah acknowledged a primary motivator in her approach to connect to her guests and audience.  She noted that we all want to feel that we matter and she designed her conversations to recognize these needs: "Do you see me? Can you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?"  Oprah managed to connect with millions of people following this validation road map. This inspires!  If I can pause and replace regurgitated phrases with more connective efforts, perhaps the person I am speaking with will feel more like they matter.  Perhaps.

http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/The-Oprah-Winfrey-Show-Finale_1/7

Mr. Feiler offers solutions in his article to what is helpful when speaking to someone who is ailing.  My favorites are: I hate to see you suffer and Would you like to hear some gossip? Making a meal or running an errand also provides help through precise action (provided the recipient gives the thumbs up).  However we choose to respond to loved ones when life's ups and downs come a knockin', we can be better at it if we try to really think about what we are saying and mean it.