Earlier this month, the Wall Street Journal ran an article titled, “Mother Madness” authored by Erica Jong. The headline immediately grabbed my attention, but the byline equally got me as well. It intrigued me to read something new by the famed “Fear of Flying” author. She has been a prolific novelist since her first famous book in 1973, but I have not thought about her or her writing since I read that inaugural novel. http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704462704575590603553674296.html?KEYWORDS=mother+madness
The WSJ article dives right into Jong’s observations about Attachment Parenting, and she quickly declares that today’s parents, “run themselves ragged trying to mold exceptional children. It’s assumed that we can perfect our babies by the way we nurture them.” This parenting style, advocated by William and Martha Sears, co-authors of “The Baby Book” (2003), promotes that parents should, as Jong notes, “wear your baby, sleep with her and attune yourself totally to her needs.” Jong’s concern is that militant adherence to this total commitment is a form of bondage that hails from another time. She rails against the extreme. “Giving up your life for your child creates expectations that are likely to be thwarted as the child, inevitably, attempts to detach.” Lastly, Jong notes that “our obsession with parenting is an avoidance strategy. It allows us to substitute our own small world for the world as a whole.” She concludes that the larger world is the one we are sending our children into, so we should parent toward preparing them for what is real, not insulate them in the name of total nurturing.
Offering parenting advice can be such a high stakes game of right and wrong. I can hardly think of one statement that can be universally agreed upon when it comes to parenting. I heard Bette Midler say once, in an interview, that, “Parenting is not for sissies.” This continues to be my favorite tip and I often invoke her line. I did, however, appreciate Jong’s concern over parents, especially women who continue to be primary caregivers, being weighed down by, “accepting the ‘noble savage’ view of parenting with its ideals of attachment and naturalness.” Her concern of accessorizing our lives with our children rings out.
Breast feeding? Making your own baby food? Using cloth diapers? All are choices. Bottle feeding? Buying baby food? Disposable diapers? More choices. Decreeing one over the other in the name of ‘good’ parenting is a slippery slope. Yes, there is environmental correctness to some of these choices, but speaking strictly about what it is that we take on to be good parents, there should be few rules. Loving, feeding, and clothing our children are all good starts. But what do we really mean when we say we love our child? Your explanation will probably differ in some ways from mine. Multiply that by the number of parents on the earth and I’d say we are off to a rousing start of the parenting games.I think when we support each other in our roles as parents is when we have the best shot at doing a decent job. It does take a village. A parent needs to know someone has their back when navigating the world with kids in tow. I am grateful to my friends, family, neighbors and caregivers who have helped me, especially when my kids were little. We all didn’t parent in the same way, but we felt somewhat united by this job and tried to lighten the load for one another. I am afraid for the parent who feels isolated. And I think sometimes that parenting books, in their earnestness to provide ‘the best advice,’ can make a parent feel insecure for not following it. I think Jong wants to warn parents about the pitfalls of keeping too singular a focus on the job. Life is bumpy and messy so let’s be sure our kids experience it enough to successfully function in it.
As for attachment parenting, I find myself on the 'back nine' of that route. Learning to let go has been more of a focus. There is a fierceness to being a parent in how we try to protect our young. Does it ever subside? I believe it has to be re-directed. When I really think about it, I have been at the beginning of my re-direction. Having a child living away at college has forced me to do this. I think it all began as we started touring colleges during junior year of high school. You begin imagining your child on a certain campus and see a glimmer of them in the faces of those university students. Once your child is in college your emotions are with them, but let's face it, they are the sole director of their time and efforts. Hmmmm....perhaps I could write a book about 'detachment parenting.' Well, a few chapters anyway.
As for attachment parenting, I find myself on the 'back nine' of that route. Learning to let go has been more of a focus. There is a fierceness to being a parent in how we try to protect our young. Does it ever subside? I believe it has to be re-directed. When I really think about it, I have been at the beginning of my re-direction. Having a child living away at college has forced me to do this. I think it all began as we started touring colleges during junior year of high school. You begin imagining your child on a certain campus and see a glimmer of them in the faces of those university students. Once your child is in college your emotions are with them, but let's face it, they are the sole director of their time and efforts. Hmmmm....perhaps I could write a book about 'detachment parenting.' Well, a few chapters anyway.
An interesting addendum to Jong’s article is one written by Molly Jong-Fast, her daughter and only child. The title makes me smile, “Growing Up with Ma Jong.”
She writes frankly about her famous mother’s parenting noting, “To my mother and grandmother, children were the death of a dream; they were the death of one’s ambition.” Molly Jong-Fast stands in the sweet spot of understanding what challenged her mom, why she made the choices she did, and accepts all of it. “Yes she was hippy-dippy and career –obsessed, but she worked hard to give me choices.” Not a bad review from an adult child.
Some very interesting thoughts Diane. Since both you and Ms. Jong are women one shouldn’t be surprised that the piece tilts toward a mother’s point of view on parenting.
ReplyDeletePerhaps a chapter with a father's point of view might make an entertaining foil.
It seems unlikely that any father would disagree with your points about providing basic human needs or having friends to provide occasional support. Nevertheless, a father might put more emphasis on Jong’s comment, "Life is bumpy and messy so let’s be sure our kids experience it enough to successfully function in it."
Count me among the fathers that think too much coddling can be a bad thing. Let's face it, things have changed since Ozzie and Harriet defined parenthood. Allowing kids to experience an "excellent failure", one that does no permanent harm yet provides valuable life lessons, is essential in today's world. Could a delicate balance of nurturing from mom and self-reliance taught by dad be the best recipe for our children’s happiness and success?
On this question I go back to basics - the animals in the wild. No, they can’t tell us how to deal with a teenager’s alcohol problem but they can shine a light on the most fundamental level of child rearing. Darwin was right, at the core we are all connected and are more alike than different. We should take comfort knowing that the mother-father dynamic that has succeeded for thousands of species over millions of years will work for us humans too.
The mother lion gives birth, feeds, teaches and defends her cubs to her own death while the father roars to let everyone know who’s in charge, is content watching his kids play with rattlesnakes and spends a considerable amount of time napping under a tree.
Yes, self-reliant children are a good thing.
Paul