You've Got A Friend

Googled. Texted. Friended.

These are 21^st century verbs.  ('Tweeting’ continues to be, for me, the sound a bird makes.)

We are ‘friended,’ we ‘friend,’ we (gasp!!) ‘ignore.’ Facebook provides some delicate and well thought out options as we are contacted or we contact other social network users.   It seems easy enough – we see someone we know (or knew or want to know) on Facebook and send a friend request.  Then we wait.  It has a sort of “will I get asked to the prom?” dimension to it.  It surely reminds me of a most elemental question attached to growing up – will I be accepted?

Ah, there’s the rub.

I’ve been on Facebook for two years and, just recently, an acquaintance who friended me when I first signed on asked me why I ignored her request.  Of course I don’t remember the request (the whole memory thing is another issue) but was intrigued by the timing of her search for a plausible answer. And, sadly, I was flattered.  Yep, I am inches away from my rightful place on my childhood playground. It is true – everything I ever needed to know about life so far, I learned there.

This month, Facebook has included an advanced “Group” feature which allows users to delineate their friends into appropriate (or, I guess inappropriate if the user so desires) groups.  Parents all over the world hear the siren’s call here – my child can finally separate me from the real action on their Facebook page!  Saturday Night Live presented a keenly funny version of this parental block-out in the October 9th skit titled, “My Mom’s On Facebook Filter.”  Actress and comedian Jane Lynch posed as a Kohl’s buying, autumn sweater wearing mom who, instead of seeing a photo of her son and a girl, both underage, with drinks and sloppy facial expressions viewed the filtered version of her son with a ventriloquist’s dummy on his lap. It is hilarious and illustrates the real issue of how to separate those you’ve friended from what you want them to see. http://www.hulu.com/watch/184577/saturday-night-live-moms-on-facebook 

Facebook co-founder and chief executive, Mark Zuckerberg in a recent New York Times article noted his company had long been planning to put this seemingly simple ‘group’ feature in place but the technical machinations that had to happen were complex. And he sees the usable dimensions of Facebook increasing exponentially.  “We think this is going to be a pretty fundamental shift for how people use Facebook,” Mr. Zuckerberg said. “The amount of sharing will go up massively and will be completely additive.” Reporter Miguel Helft explains in the same article, that “Groups allows anyone to create a group and include other people. For example, someone’s cousin may create a group for their family and put every family member in it. In that way, Facebook contends that if even a small percentage of users create groups, most people on Facebook will end up in several groups.” http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/07/technology/07facebook.html?_r=1&scp=2&sq=facebook%20groups&st=cse

So everyone is eventually included but in a very specific way? Does this electronic social behavior mirror our face-to-face interactions? It sure does give users more control.  But what about those waiting to be asked to the prom? Or join the group? Or be friended?  I believe there are more opportunities out there to fortify our backbones and drop our insecurities, but let’s follow this thread for a sec.

Psychology Today magazine contributor, Melvin Konner’s article, “The Social Network, 10,000 BP,” addresses the Facebook group changes as nothing new under the sun.  He suggests that just as ancient nomadic men and women gathered in small community groups by way of what their needs and wants were, the ability to parse out which people go into which groups keeps the information shared manageable and meaningful.  “With the advent of multiple levels of privacy, intimacy can be nested in concentric circles just as it was for scores of thousands of years on the African plains.  It’s just that it no longer depends on geography, and you have a lot more choice,  Whether you are gay, vegan, a kick-boxer, a Baptist-turned-Buddhist, or all those things, you can find and build a network of people like yourself.”  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-tangled-wing/201010/the-social-network-10000-bp Hmmm.....but isn't it the 'choosing' that is being done the thing in question?  If geography dictated the community circles our ancestors chose, isn't the fact that we are limitless in our ability to reach out and be reached the difference?  We are choosing our circles based on our whims and desires, not by necessity. I think this differentiates us from those who went before us long ago. 

Now, if we are not accepted by someone on Facebook, are we conversely being rejected?  Not necessarily.  We thin out and fill in our daily lives with people on all levels.  Some people we must interact with (at work or school), some we choose to interact with, and some we literally bump into on our way.  We give these moments and people our attention but more as a way to navigate the day. We figure much of it out as we go along.  It has me thinking about where are these skills first honed?  Is there a razor thin line between casual non-acceptance and being mean?

A recent New York Times article titled, "The Playground Gets Even Tougher," by Pamela Paul considers the age group of 3 to 8-year-old girls in which incidents of 'relational or social aggression' also known as mean-girl behavior possibly becomes seeded.  The pre-school and early elementary school age group is often overlooked in studies of this behavior, Paul infers, but "The fear is that the onset of bullying behavior is trickling down."  She writes,  "We no longer live in the pigtailed world of Cindy Brady where a handful of (television) channels import variations on sugar and spice, with prompt repercussions for the latter.  So much of what passes for entertainment is about being rude, nasty and crass," said Meline Kevorkian, who studies bullying at Nova Southeastern University in Fort Lauderdale-Davie, Fla.  "What we see as comedy is actually making fun of other people."  http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/10/fashion/10Cultural.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=the%20playground%20gets%20even%20tougher&st=cse

And is what is shown in the omnipresent media the kernel to what spurs someone to be a bully?  Bullying is as much about fear and rejection as it is about control and power, and it has sadly been blanketing the headlines of late.  Social scientists who study social aggression fall on both sides of whether or not this young age group is where the starting line begins for mean girl behavior. The article notes, "Experts point to a shift in childhood play with a focus on controlled environments, techno-goodies and material objects.  Instead of working out issues themselves during free play outside, children are micromanaged by parents who step in to resolve conflicts for them.  Debbie Rosenman, a teacher in her 31st year at a suburban Detroit school, said that helicopter parents simultaneously fail to provide adequate authority or appropriate forms of supervision.  'The girls who are the victims tend to be raised by parents who encourage them to be more age appropriate,' Ms Rosenman said. 'The mean girls are 8 but want to be 14, and their parents play along.  They all want to be top dog.'"  And so the nastiness begins.

The subsequent reader's comments to the Times article are interesting as they contain some thought-filled ideas about how to help all children with this type of behavior - those giving and receiving it. After glancing over some letters, it seemed to me that addressing the incidents early on with consistency seemed to stop the flow of this behavior.   
http://community.nytimes.com/comments/www.nytimes.com/2010/10/10/fashion/10Cultural.html?scp=3&sq=playground&st=cse  

It is also noteworthy to mention that some psychologists who feel this behavior is not as widespread as feared, but is more of a result of, "A heightened awareness among hyper-parents, ever attuned to their children's most minuscule slight."  Another explanation in the Times article offers that, " It could be a side effect of early-onset puberty, with hormones raging through otherwise immature 8-year-olds." 

Gavin de Becker's 1997 book The Gift of Fear made quite an imprint on me and one of the points de Becker drives home is listening to our gut feelings. He makes a compelling case for us to limit our media exposure and to most definitely turn off the reporting of fires, robberies, violence and the like as it numbs our sensibilities and skews our inborn awareness i.e. our gut.  If we lose the connection to the thing that lays our soul bare then the outside noise can rule our judgment.  I try to go by the axiom, that if it feels bad it probably is, so address the thing that is creating the bad feeling. 

I recall reading an essay written by a teenage boy reflecting on a period when he was in middle school and was bullied.  Circumstances arose in which he was paired with the boy bullying him outside of school for a club sports practice. In their time together, the two adolescent boys unintentionally found themselves working it out, one-to-one.  What came out of their brief conversation was that the bully felt like the boy was a threat because he was becoming popular with the bully's friends.  The boy explained that he was just being friendly because he was new to the school and wanted to connect with his peers.  Once each child heard the other, on their own terms, civility ensued.

Heard.  Understood.   Accepted...................Friended.